Only one

Broken this fragile thing now
And I can't, I can't pick up the pieces
And I've thrown my words all around
But I can't, I can't give you a reason
I feel so broken up
And I give up
I just want to tell you so you know
Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, there's just no one that gets me like you do
You are my only, my only one
Made my mistakes, let you down
And I can't, I can't hold on for too long
Ran my whole life in the ground
And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone
And something's breaking up
I feel like giving up
I won't walk out until you know
Here I go so dishonestly
Leave a note for you my only one
And I know you can see right through me
So let me go and you will find someone
Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, there's just no one, no one like you
You are my only, my only one

Green You are a very calm and contemplative person. Others are drawn to your peaceful, nurturing nature. Find out your color at Quiz Me!

Random little things

1. I'm afraid I'm going to look like Angelica Huston when I'm old.
2. The tip of Heidi's nose is perfectly heart-shaped.
3. The cabinet under our bar smells like smoke. I think it's because an alligator named Walter goes under there has poker nights with his buddies. But maybe there's a better reason.
4. Our neighbors are strange. Really, really strange. The woman always smirks at me oddly and starts laughing when I walk by. Makes me nervous. Also, lately they keep slamming their door and storming off. But they never yell.
5. My computer is making a passive-agressive farty sound right now. It's been doing it every now and then for the past few days.
6. I cleaned out the refrigerator today. It needed it. I recognized foods I haven't seen since Thanksgiving.
7. O'Doyle Rules.
8. My new bed is getting here tomorrow. That means no more couching it. Yes!
9. Job hunting soon.
10. For some reason, the songs from "Mary Poppins" are all stuck in my head.

Chim-chim-chimeny, chim-chim-chimeny, chim-chim, cheeree...

If anyone sees Sarah Chess, Matt Tice, Daniela, or Seth Malley in the next few days, see if they'll take you to lunch. They just won an award from the Governor for $20,000 in a collegiate business competition. The money goes to them, not the school. Make sure to congratulate them. I know they've been working really hard on this.
The funniest thing is this, though:
None of the media bothered to interview JBU. They all thought U of A would win. We made sure to get that press release out. Maybe a little more quickly than usual.

from lisa, who got it from holly, who got it from lane, who got it from...

Firsts
First job: a cashier in Walgreen's pharmacy at 16
First screen name: laura_g@prodigy.com (that was 10 years ago or more)
First funeral: my great-grandmother
First pet: a dog that bit me all the time named muffin
First piercing/tattoo: ears when I was 10
First Kiss: by best friend craig meyers kissed me on the playground when i was 5. i hit him.
First one that mattered: this is hard. first one from a "boyfriend" was at 11 with josh gentry. on a school bus.
First true love: i guess jeremy was one...at least i thought so at the time. but chad was the relationship that really seemed magical from the very beginning. like a movie. why the distinction? i told jeremy i loved him every day, but could never work up the courage to tell chad. maybe if i had...*sigh*
First enemy: 4th grade. a girl name provin shelton stole a baby-sitters club book from me and lied about it.
First big trip: corpus christi. 5.
First concert: wow. this is embarrassing. DC Talk and Michael W. Smith in 7th grade.
First musician you remember hearing: probably the beatles. or amy grant. depends which parent i was with at the time.

Lasts
Last car ride: from home to school
Last library book checked out: "stones from the river" by ursula hegi. i checked it out last summer and still need to return it. this is why i usually just buy the book.
Last movie watched: part of high fidelity
Last beverage drank: i'm swilling down dr pepper now
Last food consumed: cake batter
Last phone call: becky. to see when i was coming over.
Last time showered: ummm...yesterday? (thinks about it) yes. yesterday. it's so hard to remember when it's not a daily thing.
Last CD played: deja entendu by brand new. love it.
Last annoyance: that the advocate computers don't have aim. a true sign of an addict.
Last soda drank: seriously. i just said.
Last ice cream eaten: a mint-chocolate chip shake saturday night
Last time scolded: hmmm...rarely ever by anyone. surprising, i know. but i do a lot of it in my head. a lot of "ooof! why the hell did you say that?!?"
Last shirt worn: my orange gap tank with velvet bamboo on it. love that shirt. have two of them.

Two weird things happened to me yesterday while I was driving home.
1. I almost hit Becci R0thfuss. She was coming out of a store. I missed her by this much: ( ). I found myself saying "Damn!" before I could stop myself. Yes, I am in need of some serious spiritual reformation, thankyouverymuch.
2. A man was running down the side of the road. But wait, there's more. He was wearing American flag jams (remember those?) and had a Jesus beard. Reminiscent of Forrest Gump. "On the Road Again" starting playing in my head.

I went to the audition for next year's play last night. I'm not eligible. See I'll be gone in the Spring, and if they win the competition, I won't be there. So why even cast me?
Yes, I cried.

Then a bunch of people came over. And when I say a bunch. I mean five. But still. I got to talk to Shaffer while Sam was here.
Good news. He's not for me. Ever. I didn't realize you could outgrow people, but you can. I did.

Vindicated

I'm in the lab...class got out early. A bunch of people in the class are printing off things. Devi and Evie call me over to the printer, "You have to look at this!" It's a paper by J&mes K#rli (freshman who said I was too harsh in my anti-bad spelling column). The class title: Challenge Coarse Management.

Man. I wish black people loved me.

I am thinking about buying an old movie projector. Does anyone know if I should get 8 or 16 mm?

There's gotta be more than 300 reasons why I love the Simpsons. But I'm lazy. So here.

"That's why I'm OP-RAAAAH!"

I bought a bunch of books today.
To a reader rabbit like me, that ranks high.
Mostly classics. One was party games appropriate for any occasion.
Between those and Dutch Blitz---"Party on, Wayne!"

Hollistania bought a foreign-language record set, but it's missing the first record. So we'll both know how to say "Pardon me, could you direct me to the nearest consulate? There are matters of foreign policy I must urgently discuss regarding digital removal by carnivorous canines" but not "Hi." and "Where is the bathroom?"

I have decided that I like ranting squirrels. Danger, Will Uptight, there's language. So, if cussing bothers you...ummm...I don't know, don't click the link.

Neighbor Kaci let me ride in her '87 Camaro tonight and I had a flashback to my first boyfriend, who had an '85 Camaro with T-tops that leaked every time it rained. Don't know why I thought about that. Maybe because he's getting married in a few weeks. That's how I know I'm old. When the guy I dumped for being too immature is getting married before me.

"Turning portuguese, I think I'm turning portuguese, I really think so..."

Everytime I turn away from God, I think it becomes harder to hear Him calling me back.
Which explains why I don't hear anything at all.

In other news, in an attempt at self-betterment, I am trying to change a lifelong bad habit. Wish me luck. It's going to be hard.

Hmmm...midnight messenging
leads me to believe
that BOLT happens
in the interest
of self-preservation.

in other news,
i now have
gmail.
which is free
to invade my
privacy
for a gig.

He speaks.
I bolt.

What the hell is wrong with me?

I stole this from roommate Holly

1: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4.
pews, wooden pews; and if I decided to attend this institu-

2: Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first?:  
A box of Adobe software.

3: What is the last thing you watched on TV?:
I want a famous face on MTV. The one with the Elvis impersonator.

4: WITHOUT LOOKING, guess what the time is:
 12:12

5: Now look at the clock, what is the actual time?:
 12:05...what can I say? I'm ahead of my time. (Rim shot.)

6: With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?:
 Becky is typing. Mouse clicks. Sarah typing. The front door just opened and shut.

7: When did you last step outside? what were you doing?:
 Two hours ago when I came into the Advocate office. I was walking in.

8: Before you came to this website, what did you look at?:
 Cnn.com. A couple committed suicide after accidentally giving a baby they were hoping to adopt shaken baby syndrome. Very sad.

9: What are you wearing?:
 Shoddy flip-flops. A t-shirt that says "I survived Spring Break. Ensenada, Mexico. 1974." A holey denim skirt.

10: Did you dream last night?:
 I dreamt that I prayed for Warner and he was healed.

11: When did you last laugh?:
 When Amy was telling the Editorial class about Hartford being a thriving coal-mining town. "It used to have three banks and three saloons!"

12: What is on the walls of the room you are in?:
A copy of the first Threefold Advocate ever. Bulletin boards. Cobwebs.

13: Seen anything weird lately?:
The chicken webcam. Freaks me out. Also...see number 3.

14: What do you think of this quiz?:
Kind of funny. Kudos for creativity.

15: What is the last film you saw?:
Starksy and Hutch. Yes, it's been a while.

16: If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first?:
A trip to Europe.

17: Tell me something about you that I don't know: 
I had fake teeth when I was four. I knocked out my two front teeth on the sidewalk. So I had dentures for two years.

18: If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?:
I'd spread wealth out a little more evenly or make everyone required to give up four years of their life in service to others.

19: Do you like to dance?:
More as the night wears on.

20: Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?:   
Cada. Or Lydia.  

21: Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?:
Graydon. None of this Parker/Madison/Mason crap. He'd better be identifiable immediatly as a guy.

22: Would you ever consider living abroad?:
I consider it every day. Where? Hmmmm...India, Australia, France....pretty much anywhere is up for consideration.

STOP! You must read this and comment before going any further.

True or false: You know who Conway Twitty is.

Leave a comment with the answer and your name. No looking it up. That's cheating.

Today is the five-year anniversary of Columbine.
Frau posted about it. I was so impacted that I had to link.

It seems that no matter where I go, my past somehow shoves its way ahead and introduces itself as the real me.

God.

Even when I try to change, somehow everything stays the same.
And I'm just not good enough.
I'm still a wolf trying to fluff my wool.

Dare you to move

Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone's here
Everyone's here
Everybody's watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next
What happens next

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before

Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
Tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened before

Today I found this little thing I wrote a few months ago right after my fish died. Okay, so it wasn't exactly a tragic event, but I was thinking about it and then I read a Rolling Stone article about Stephen Bohler. (Which you can't read because it's not online, but Amy posted something about it.)

His six-sided bowl gave him little room to maneuver, but perhaps he didn’t know the difference. The plastic environment was, after all, bigger than the one he came in.
As I pondered the death of Hector, I found myself pondering another death.
The suicide of Stephen Bohler, a freshmen NYU student. An article in Rolling Stone described him as a dynamic kid, popular, able. He was one of those people who could do anything. He was also a stoner who smoked daily.
But the pot wasn’t the problem; it was a symptom of a deeper issue.
Bohler was depressed. Secretly, silently, without speaking of it. He hid his depression behind his finesse on the soccer field, behind his grades, behind his ability to be social.
He was everyone’s friend. Why? Maybe because he was afraid to be alone.
It’s too late to ask him. He leapt from a 10th floor balcony in the campus’ library. He was on mushrooms at the time of his death.
Like my fish, Bohler was trapped in a confining space: his mind.
Depression is a pervasive problem. At New York University. At New Delhi University.
And, yes, at JBU.
And it’s a narcissistic disease. When a person is depressed, their own thoughts and actions consume them.
It would be easy to tell them to get over it.
But that’s like telling someone to swim laps in a fishbowl.

GLORY

Just when I think my own swirling darkness will consume me, God steps in, pours me out, and refills me up with joy.

your sights set
on a peg that pokes into the brain,

fabulous are you?
then how come i don't see?

oh please tell me again,
maybe this time i'll believe

Wishes

1. That the freakin' movers would haul themselves over here.
2. To go anywhere...and I mean anywhere...but Arkansas.
3. Mo' money, less problems.
4. For love to walk into a room, sit down and stay awhile.
5. A job that doesn't involve sitting at a computer, getting food for people, or acting like a chicken via webcam.
6. For continuous sleep and colorful dreams.
7. That I could rustle up something good for lunch.

Stolen from Amy

[my name is]: Laura Gray
[in the morning I am]: wide awake by 7
[all I need is]: a moving van
[love is]: never having to say you're sorry
[I'm afraid of]: giving birth to the anti-christ
[I dream of]: tibetan doors
[do you believe in love at first sight?]: I believe you can know that you're going to click with someone or that they're going to impact you.

-D O. Y O U .E V E R-
[sit on the internet all day waiting for someone special to I.M. you?]: God help me if I do.
[wish you were a member of the opposite sex]: Nah. Being a girl is more fun. I can dress cute and do tomboy things.

-W H O .W A S .T H E .L A S T. P E R S O N-
[you talked to on the phone]: Janna. Her moving van is AWOL and we were trying to track it down.
[you hugged]: My mom
[you instant messaged]: Sam. On my new fabulous phone.

-D O .Y O U-
[color your hair]: Usually. But I do it to get it back to its natural color b/c I use the cheap stuff that fades.
[ever get off the computer]: This weekend my internet was struck by lightening. So, yes.
[habla espanol]: Hablo mas que comprendo.
[ cigarettes]: Not anymore.
[could you live without the computer?]: Depends on the circumstance.
[what's your favorite food?]: Bacon cheeseburgers.

-N U M B E R-
[of times I have had my heart broken?]: One and a half. I thought the first one was a heartbreak until the second one came about.
[of hearts I have broken?]: Let's just say my path of destruction rivals Sherman's march to the Atlantic.
[of boys/girls I have kissed?]: I've lost track.
[of countries I’ve been to?] 4
[of tight friends?]: 6
[of scars on my body?]: One from stitches on my right big toe, one on each thigh from a lawnmower muffler, one on my shoulder from surfing, one my left elbow from the time a kid bit me
[things you can't live without]: Books
[Something important on your desk]: No desk. My computer sits on the floor.
[When you sleep you wear]: pajama pants, tank top
[If you could afford it at the moment, you would
buy]: a stunt double

FRIENDS:
[Three traits you look for in a friend]: Ability to keep secrets, spontaneity and clothes I can borrow.
[A friend who you can tell anything]: Audrey
[A friend you can go to for advice]: Lisa and Janna
[The friend you've known the longest and still
friends with] Audrey
[The friend who uses the most of your energy]: Heidi, because she has so much energy
[A compliment that makes you blush]: Pretty much anything can trip me up
[The greatest physical pain you ever endured]: Third-degree burns on my legs when I was 8.
[Your best physical feature]: I'm liking my hair today.
[Who/What makes you happy]: My talking turtle from "Finding Nemo"'s laugh
[Who/what makes you sad]: Meanies

EMOTIONS
[Emotion you hide most]: When I just don't feel like answering "How are you?" for the 68,309,454,543 time at JBU, knowing that the person isn't waiting for me to answer, and wanting to shake them while yelling "How are YOU? Huh? HUH?"
[When you are angry you need]: to get away from the situation or person for awhile to I can process.
[When you are sentimental you need]: to write about it
[When you are in love you need]: to feel safe enough to express it

I forgot the coolest thing of all!

I went to get my phone fixed and it was DOA. SO....
They gave me a new shiny camera phone!
Here's a picture of my little bro--Don't we look alike?

Yesterday was a day of technology failing me.
My car battery died.
My internet was struck by lightening and---died.
My cell phone died.
I was practically Amish.

Here's the creepiest thing I've seen in a while. (And my number one reason for finishing college so I don't have to have this guy's job.) My brother had the idea to tell it to lay an egg and breakdance. See what you can come up with.

I went to run some errands yesterday and my mom asked me to take something back to Toys-R-Us. On a Saturday afternoon. Now I know why--she was trying to punish me.
That place...*shudder*.
For those of you fortunate to not have been in one recently, picture the floor plan of a casino, garish colors on every surface, and kids hopped up on "Dora the Explorer" sugar straws running around into me, through my path. Kiddie debauchery at its finest.
I'm never having kids.
Unless Johnny Depp becomes available.

You Are Sam From "Benny & Joon." You are very talented at physical comedy. People are in awe of your abilities. However, you have many quirks which can either win people over or completely annoy them. But you're a sweetheart through and through, and it's hard not to love you.

Take The Johnny Depp Quiz!



One clarification: I'd rather have* Johnny Depp then be Johnny Depp.


*Determine what you will from that.

Today has been a total wash,
because of my not-so-civil civic.
Is the battery dead?
Does it need oil?
I don't know. (Esmeralda would never tell me much.) So there she sits, in front of the bank.
Waiting for some nice white muscle car to rescue her.
I am carfree for the first time in 8 years, and somehow losing 10 tons of metal has only weighed me down more.

To Thickets

Mwah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah!


You are going to Marry orlando Bloom. He will
always treat you right and is very romantic. He
will do anything for you. He is very polite and
has deep brown eyes and is very good looking
(which is another plus!). He can make anything
cheesy look really hot(like sliding down stairs
on a shield shooting arrows or wearing pointy
ears for example). Congrats!!


Which male celebrity are you going to marry? (now 12 (i just added more, and still more to come!)results that have pics!)
brought to you by Quizilla

Tina wants to things out of her man.
"Pray and pick," she says.

Sounds good to me, too.

Order up: Two decisive spiritual men, please.

Me: Becky, I love your sense of sarcasm.
Becks: Yeah. That's all I have.

To all the forum morons...

To say that supporting Kerry is supporting abortion is a lie. It implies that supporting Bush is not supporting abortion. This is wrong.
Bush has supported bills on partial-birth abortion bans, yes. Kerry did not.
BUT
Bush has also said that he will not pursue further bans on abortion because the "hearts of americans need to change first." This is true. So quit treating him like the friggin' Messiah. We already have one.

Move over, Rachel

You are going to marry Brad Pitt. He is always
friendly to anybody he ever meets and he is
very talented as an actor. He is also very
sincere and friendly. He will respect you until
the day he dies. Congrats!!


Which male celebrity are you going to marry? (now 12 (i just added more, and still more to come!)results that have pics!)
brought to you by Quizilla

On the in/out list of my life, Cooking is out, Speedy cuisine is in.
I grabbed dinner at KFC tonight and witnessed two things that made me shake my noggin.
1. I was the only customer in the restaurant. When I ordered, I said "To Go". I paid then waited four feet from the counter. As I stood, watching, they called my number. Twice.

2. Inbetween the respective bathroom doors is a sign of the Colonel saying "We always wash and sanitize our hands!" While I was reading it, an employee came out of the bathroom, picking her wedgie. At least her hands were sanitized.

This was in Siloam, if you were interested.

Shamed

Janis
So, two movies are in the works about Janis Joplin's life. Renee Zellweger will play her in the Paramount version, "A Piece of the Heart" while Pink will star and sing in an untitled project.
My idea: Save a few million dollars, Paramount, and don't lose precious hours, Miramax.
Go straight to her grave and spit on her tombstone. The effect is the same.

Holly and I made plans the other night to see "Kill Bill 2". I can't sleep I'm so excited.

What should I be doing right now?
Working on my analysis story, that's what.

If you're in need of a good read, try "Heaven Lake" by John Dalton. It's luscious.

If you want to waste $25, read a book by Kate White, the editor of cosmo. I thought it would be okay, but it's far worse than that. How bad? It's the only book I've not finished within a week. Including "Gone with the Wind". Including "War and Peace".

I ordered "The Darkness" CD two weeks ago and it still hasn't arrived. Bastard ebay seller.

I wish that I could put the link to my newest column here, but the advocate didn't post it on the internet. I'll put it on soon, I promise.
But I did get this email from a freshman well-wisher:

hey Laura
First I just wanna ask a question if you are bein for real in your article "Misuse of words spells disaster for relationships?"
-Man, that is pretty harsh to eliminate a dude just for spelling something wrong...I feel so bad for that guy. I mean, heaven forbid anyone ever do that.

Real men use dictionaries??? wha what?? lol...thats funny. Just to write you a letter a guy has to take the stupid thing to the writing center..haha
What ever happened to actions speaking louder than words? Dude, if someone loved you soooo much, and was soooo good to you, but had a fifth grade spelling level you would dump the guy? that seems a bit shallow to me. Maybe somethings are more important than reading a writing...it's an "L" word....hmmm what is it....OH YEAH!!! LOVE!!!!!
This article belongs in your diary, not the the Newspaper..haha, people just gonna laugh...so please tell me that you were joking!!
Sincerely
James


I have arrived, my friends.

And I loved Bryanthelion's advice: Send a photo of myself to the guy.
Pithy little freshman.

I think at this point, I'd give anything for a life that didn't make me want to run away.

Dave Barry TONIGHT! Countdown: 10 hours, 16 minutes.

It's real.

Welcome to politics--American Idol style.